ENTRY 2: 16/08/24 “Drunken Words are Sober Thoughts”

- A lesson from W.H. because rumor has it, I wasn’t that drunk

My biggest secret and simultaneous fault has always been admitting what I’ve wanted to say under the guise of drunkenness that never took hold of me enough to say anything I regretted—or at least, things I wouldn’t have said sober. It was, instead, a wall to separate me from complete vulnerability. In all actuality, a necessary security blanket. Especially given that the people I was confiding in never really deserved anything from me. And I knew it too.

Which is why, the night he showed up at my door utterly drunk, I finally knew what it felt like to truly see through someone’s actions. How utterly pathetic it was, witnessing the same form of groveling firsthand. This being exactly why I didn’t shut the door in his face.

Now I know, that had been my second mistake.

The first was letting him in.

Not just through my door that night, but rather my thoughts many moons ago. He could never plague me with more than that. Funnily enough, everything else you ever give to a man as a woman was given— just not to him. The other half– filled with care, honesty, love, and meaning between two people wrapped in naivety. That, I gave to someone else in front of everybody including him. I just hadn’t known it. 

A secret turned rumor. A secret you may not know– then again, few do. A rumor? Well, a rumor spreads like a spark to flame. As the fire grows, alike does its harm. Either way I wasn’t in on it just yet.

Even knowing now, the question still lingers: 

What is love if unrequited?

It’s unfair, yes if simply put. Humanity however comes with the unfortunate reality of so much more depth than simplicity & one word answers. A wall built over many years made up of building blocks of fear has its limits as well.

So my love, the answer I can give is three words…

you tell me.

Sincerely,

Oli